


I Hate You For Forgiving Me

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, DEan gives Sam what he wants, Dark, Drunk Dean Winchester, Extremely Dubious Consent, Incest, Kink Meme, M/M, Sam Leaves for Stanford
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-05
Updated: 2009-08-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 04:43:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5361830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>  He doesn’t pretend it’s okay, he doesn’t lie to himself that he’s doing the right thing.  In the end, he just pours another shot into Dean’s beer.  His brother is so far gone he doesn’t taste the difference and that’s what Sam wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hate You For Forgiving Me

 

Sam’s always known this was the way it had to be.  As normal as he wants his life to be, it never will be that until he’s able to exorcise his brother from his life.  He doesn’t pretend it’s okay, he doesn’t lie to himself that he’s doing the right thing.  In the end, he just pours another shot into Dean’s beer.  His brother is so far gone he doesn’t taste the difference and that’s what Sam wants. 

Dean’s smiling at some girl and before he can make his way back over to her, Sam pulls him back, whispering in his ear about feeling sick and needing to go home, needing Dean to take care of him.  Dean obviously wants to stay with the girl but he would never let Sam go home sick by himself.  It’s a card he’s played before, when his jealousy became too unbearable, and tonight’s the last time he’ll ever play it. 

“Sammy?  You alright?”  Dean asks as they stumble into the motel room.  John should be back in the morning and all Sam can think is he’s got this one night left to make this happen.  He stumbles to the bed and lets himself fall down into it, knows if Dean were sober enough he’d see right through it but he’s not.  “Tired.”  Sam says softly.

Dean shuffles over after he drops his jacket and kicks his shoes off.  Then he’s at Sam’s feet, undoing his shoes and pulling them off, followed by his socks.  He leans up and starts to unbutton Sam’s pants.  When he begins to unzip them Sam arches up, pressing hard flesh into his brother’s hand.  Dean pulls his hand away, reactions a little slower than normal, but when Sam looks up Dean is just smiling sloppily at him.  “Hold on Sammy.  Getting them off as quick as I can.  Easier if you don’t try to help.”  Then warm hands are pulling his jeans down, dropping them in a heap at the foot of the bed. 

“Better?”  Dean asks. 

Sam wants to say no, but he knows how this is going to have to go tonight so he bites his tongue instead.  “Yeah.”

Dean smiles again, then shuffles over to the other bed, removing his outer layer of clothes until it’s just his tee and boxers covering him.  He turns the lights off then sprawls out on the bed. 

Sam lets him sit there for a few minutes, lets the lethargy of the alcohol slow him even more before he leans up on one elbow.  “Dean, need you.”  He says softly.

“Alright Sammy?”

Dean sits on the edge of his bed, feeling at Sam’s forehead.  Sam pulls him down in bed beside him so that they’re facing one another.  Dean sighs like he has any number of nights Sam has done this.  It’s nothing new to Dean and it stiffens Sam’s resolve because none of this is normal.  None of it is good.  How can it be good to be so devote to another person, to have your whole life, your self-worth, based on that other person?  How can it be good to know that you’ve maneuvered a person you love so completely that they’ll accept anything you do, so long as you do it to them?

“Better now.”  He says, leaning closer, letting his hand rest on Dean’s hip.  He slides his thumb under the shirt and lets it rub there; small circles that make Dean relax and have him hard.  This time he doesn’t pull away though.  He presses his hardening dick against Dean’s thigh as he leans up and presses his lips to Dean’s.

Dean tries to pull away but Sam just chases him, pressing his back into the mattress as he continues to attack his brother’s mouth.  Sam thrusts into Dean and his brother gasps as their cocks align, letting Sam into his mouth.  He spoils Dean’s mouth, his tongue eager and testing, tasting Dean underneath the alcohol and smoke. 

One hand runs down Dean’s side and he pulls at the elastic of his boxers, pushing them down as far as he can without leaving Dean’s mouth.  Dean pulls away as Sam’s hand reaches between them, palming him.  “Sam… no.” 

His eyes focus as he looks at Sam and in the back of his mind he’s reveling in the fact that Dean’s finally put it together.  His eyes say everything; that he knows Sam is doing this no matter what, that he knows Sam planned this all along, that he knows Sam has just been waiting for the right time.

“Not the answer I’m looking for tonight big brother.”  He says, emphasizing their roles because it’s always been wrong and always will be and he wants Dean to feel every bit of it that he does.  He stands up abruptly and pulls his shirt and boxers off.  Dean is starting to get up, but he’s still too drunk to put up much of a fight when Sam pushes him back down and strips him naked. 

He leans back down to kiss Dean when his brother suddenly flips him.  He scrambles up faster than Sam would have thought he was currently capable of and grabs for his jeans, turning around to face Sam.  “I said no Sam.  I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but I said no.  We’re not… we’re not like that.  We’re not doing this.”

Sam just smiles up at him for a minute because Sam can still take him and they both know it.  When he stands up, Dean backs away until he’s against the wall.  Sam closes the distance between them, slow and gentle so Dean watches as he leans against the wall, one hand on either side of his head.  He drops his shoulders, lets his cheek rub against Dean’s.  “Gotta fuck you out of my system Dean.”  He whispers into his brother’s ear.  “Gotta get rid of what you do to me, while I still have the chance.”

When he pulls back slightly he sees the widening of Dean’s eyes and the knowledge there.  “You kissed me back Dean.  Know you want it.”

“Drunk Sammy.  You got me drunk and you kissed me.  I don’t want this.”

He can see that Dean means it, that whatever wire got crossed between them, it’s all on Sam.  He’s known that a long time though and that’s why tonight has to happen.  He doesn’t answer, just pulls the jeans from Dean’s hand and throws them to the ground.  Dean’s eyes harden and Sam knows he’s about to start something.  He cuts him off effectively enough when he grabs Dean’s shoulders and turns him face into the wall.  He hadn’t planned it like this, but it’ll do just fine. 

He captures Dean’s hands in his own and holds them with one hand.  He kicks Dean’s legs a little farther apart to keep him off balance and position him just right, and then Dean’s ass is right there and Sam’s so damn hard.  He uses his free hand to pull Dean’s hips to him, riding the crease of his ass and he’s almost ready to come just from that. 

He slides his fingers into his mouth, slicking them as best he can before he starts to open Dean up.  His brother stills at the intrusion and Sam leans forward, his body pinning Dean to the wall again as he bites at the nape of Dean’s neck.  He works quickly, only giving Dean enough time to adjust before adding more. 

Dean’s letting out these soft crooning sounds and Sam can’t tell if they’re pain or pleasure but they make him even harder.  When he removes his fingers he pulls Dean from the wall and pushed him towards the bed.  Dean is stumbling onto the bed and Sam stops, grabbing in his bag for the lube.  He pours a generous amount onto his hand and throws the bottle on the bed.  Dean watches him approaching and it stops Sam in his tracks, the things he sees in Dean’s eyes, the pain and fear and the fucked up need to see through whatever it is Sam needs to do to him.  It makes him sick and he remembers again that this is all for a reason.

He strokes himself, slick and hard as he kneels on the bed.  Dean starts to turn, but Sam stops him, pushes him onto his back.  “Don’t you turn away from me.”  He pushes Dean’s legs further apart and presses against Dean, feels the resistance before his muscles give way around him.  “Not when you did this to me, don’t you look away.”

Incest and monster and I don’t want this tumble through his head but all he hears is need and want and the sobs that escape where Dean’s bitten his lip to keep from screaming.  He bottoms out in his brother’s body and there is something so right/wrong in it that makes him want to do this forever.  They’re broken enough now that he thinks he could.

He leans forward as he thrusts, capturing Dean’s lips in another kiss.  Dean still kisses him back, sloppy and drunken and his hands bruise as they grip his arms.  Dean’s cock begins to fill between them and the harder he gets the more Dean protests, his words swallowed by Sam’s tongue and his movements crushed to the mattress by Sam’s hips.

He comes with a sudden tide of sensation and he can feel Dean still under him.  Sam pulls out sharply and Dean’s pained gasp turns into a moan as Sam’s lips lock around his cock.  Dean doesn’t want this anymore than Sam wants to want this but he’s not going to be the only one guilty of getting off on it.  He takes Dean’s cock into his mouth, sucking and licking his way up and down.  Dean is trembling under him.  His hands lock on his hair trying to pull him away but then they become something else entirely.  Suddenly he’s holding Sam in place, his hips rising, thrusting his dick into Sam’s mouth so hard he’s chocking.  He can barely breathe and when Dean comes down his throat he swallows reflexively to clear his air passage.  Tears leak down his face but as he pulls off his brother he looks up and sees the same tracks down Dean's face. 

He crawls up the bed and falls onto his back, Dean unmoving beside him.  Neither move for a while, but then Dean is up in the bathroom and Sam can hear the retching.  He’s not sure if it’s from the booze or the sex.  Well, he is, but he’s not willing to put another name to what just happened. 

When Dean comes out, he takes the other bed, lying with his back to Sam.  He should find it infuriating that after all that, Dean still takes the bed between him and the door to protect him but he can’t find the energy to be mad anymore.

He can hear it when Dean passes out, hear the change in his breathing patterns and part of him wants to go over and slip inside him, fuck him while he’s still unconscious.  He closes his eyes instead, replays the feel of Dean under him, and falls asleep to furious dreams.

In the morning, he’s sporting a black eyes and a bloody nose at the bus stop.  The fight with his Dad was as spectacular as he’d thought it would be and he’s still not sure how Dean slept through it, other room or no.  He doesn’t feel guilty about that though.  When Dean wakes he’ll find Sam’s note, his explanation and he’ll never look for his baby brother again.  He can live with the idea of Dean’s hate.  He just hopes his brother can learn to live without Sam around, without him as his cause and purpose.  His note said everything he needed to say.  Now they just have to live with it. 

 

_Dean,_

I hate you for forgiving me.

Sam  
  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Figured it was time to claim what I wrote :P Posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/spnkink_meme/590.html?thread=25422#t25422) for the [](http://spnkink-meme.livejournal.com/profile)[spnkink_meme](http://spnkink-meme.livejournal.com/) :P Request was Sam deliberately gets Dean drunk to take advantage of him.


End file.
